OKAY KIDS so today's story is about the king who fucked everyone up And the Pokemon who loved him up until that point Not much is known about his past or at least I wasn't able to find much within 5 minutes of Google searching so for my followers who asked for this story: I apologize for not being able to butcher this tale any further. I mean supposedly he lived a life surrounded by money and hot people of his preferred gender(s) With his Pokemon by his side
I wouldn't know My family history is pretty much FARMER FARMER FARMER oh wait here's a tailor or a woodcutter or another definitely-not-royalty-or-nobility for roughly 800 generations mostly unrecorded BUT ALSO MOSTLY BORING Eating copious amounts of cabbage and fish and generally not messing with anyone's shit unlike this guy AS WE SHALL SOON SEE so enough about me Let's talk about why monarchies suck
That guy loved that Pokemon probably enough to marry it (we have another myth about that I just never posted it on this blog as it is literally just "PEOPLE USED TO MARRY POKEMON" with no fun stories) anyway
SO THERE WAS A WAR IDK why this war even started or how I didn't grow up with this story and Google only returned like, five versions of this story that were *not* in Kalosian two of which were slightly different editions of the same version written by the same dude once again, I am sorry do we even know who this chump went to war with? no, we do not or at least I don't I hope someone has the answer somewhere so his Pokemon dies in the war PEOPLE AND POKEMON DIE IN WARS: NEWS AT 11
also predictably enough, the king is filled with tears of rage and royal bitterness so instead of handling his grief and accountability he decides to blame everyone else and plots their demise as he also gets to working on a weird lost technology machine to bring the Pokemon back to life WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KALOS? okay actually wait no don't answer that because if I recall correctly the guy who made Poke the Poffin is also Kalosian so there's probably something in the water or something only instead of baking delicious cookies made of enslaved grannies and weeping children this guy made a giant crystal deathray that may or may not have been powered by an imprisoned other-Pokemon which was also the same machine as the life machine WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK, KALOS?
okay before we continue ONE how the crap do you turn a resurrection/immortality ray into a death ray are the two not mutually incompatible TWO did this guy ever stop to think that he's a king he has at least 3000 other people and Pokemon he can basically consider disposable for the purpose of war and yet he still sends his Pokemon out to fight YES HELLO I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS AND I AM AT LEAST MOST OF THEM but NOPE gotta shift the blame to whoever he's at war with I guess so anyway he powers up that bad boy and kills a bunch of Pokemon with it I guess a bunch of humans died too but who cares well apparently the Pokemon cares? it calls him out on it AS WE SHALL SEE but at least the war was over mostly because everyone who could fight it was too dead to fight
he then powers up the life/death ray that is filled with all the delicious life juices stolen from every dead thing and one he uses it bring the Pokemon he may or may not have married back to life two he and the Pokemon have now gained +1 IMMORTALITY I'm not sure if that was intentional or just fallout I hope it was the latter because why would you want to be immortal? you'd just get trapped under a rock at some point and then go mad with loneliness and lack of mental stimulation and by the time the rock erodes or someone moves it your senses are too deadened and you've gone too wild to derive joy from like, ANYTHING SO NICE JOB BREAKING IT AGAIN, KING OF FAILURE SERIOUSLY THIS GUY CAN'T DO *ANYTHING* RIGHT
so the Pokemon is all "what the FUCK dude" "was it worth it" "was killing literally EVERYTHING within a fuck-knows-how-wide radius worth it" "hundreds of thousands of people are dead, trainer" "screw this I'm outta here" except presumably not like that Pokemon can't talk (can they?) and then it bounced which is probably a good thing because a king who kills absolutely EVERYTHING in grief is probably the winner of the title for WORST KING EVER and that's it that is literally the extent of the story I know I have no idea what happened after that they could be some immortal hobo wandering around scaring the pants off the local populace for all I know
so I guess the moral of this story is death rays are not useful for ANYTHING except obviously killing a lot of stuff in a short amount of time (dunno why you'd want to do that unless you just hated everything) and possibly increasing your cool and/or sexy points but if you're looking for answers to your life's problems a good therapist is expensive but at least it's cheaper and less tragic than a literal deathlaser
SO WHAT'S UP EVERYBODY I'm back with another myth I didn't have to do any searching this time because I learned it when I was FIVE YEARS OLD terrorizing other small children drinking from those cheap unsatisfying juice boxes and playing Mario Kart so basically not much changed I just couldn't read back then any other Sinnoh buttholes on this blog better get ready get your panties in a twist for this one SINNOH BUTTHOLES REPRESENT
so back in the day people were just hitting rocks together and going BLUH BLUH that was the height of technological development this one guy gets wait for it let's drumroll too ba-dum-tsh A SWORD A REALLY FREAKING SWEET SWORD naturally, he does what every human being with a pulse does when they get their hands on a weapon which is GO ON A MASSIVE KILLING SPREE because he is young and knows not the consequences of his actions also there were no video games or anything to sate the urge back then.
now let me be clear here I am all for killing things to eat them because eating things is great and no one wants to be stuck on eating celery or some shit for the rest of their days this guy, however WELL. You know when you go to a buffet and there's a sign that says "take all you want, but eat all you take"? THIS JERK does not eat all he takes he doesn't even take home his leftover kills in those paper boxes (or occasionally, plastic or styrofoam, but I DIGRESS) to share with the rest of his family (does he even have a family?)
SO EVENTUALLY THE WEIGHT OF THIS MAN'S CONSEQUENCES COMES CRUSHING DOWN LIKE A FUCKING SNORLAX OR SOMETHING EXCEPT WAIT THERE ARE NO MORE POKEMON IT'S JUST A CONSPICUOUSLY SNORLAX-SHAPED ROCK THAT BURSTS INTO CONSEQUENCES WHEN IT MAKES CONTACT WITH HIS SKULL IT IS A LITERAL CONSEQUENCE GEODE except instead of crystal it's slow starvation during the winter because refrigeration and reliable means of preserving and importing food have not been invented yet and some fuck in your tribe thought it was a GREAT idea to just kill everything.
So Killy McMurder's just wandering the wilderness now walking around aimlessly and slowly starving to death when out of the tall grass her hears a suspicious rustling actually, all rustling would be suspicious I mean he did just kill a whole lot of living things and out from the rustling grass appears A POKEMON I was never told what kind of Pokemon it was So I'm just going to assume it was a Bidoof Because let's just be honest, fellow Sinnoh buttholes When is it ever not a Bidoof?
Guy asks Bidoof where all the totally sweet and killable Pokemon went Bidoof's like "aw man you come into MY house, you stab MY entire clan to death" "now listen here you murderous jerkwad" "if you ever use a weapon against us" "EVER" "we will wreak murderous havoc on you and everyone you love" and dude's like "well shit" "I guess I better find a new hobby" so that's why nobody runs around with swords anymore
and I guess the moral of the story is if a Pokemon talks to you first check if you ingested anything funny then if you didn't you should probably listen to its advice. ALSO don't kill things indiscriminately it doesn't even matter if you have a totally sweet sword just don't you will eventually run out of things to kill and die.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Kalosian man discovers immortality with this one weird tip! (XY)
And the Pokemon who loved him up until that point
Not much is known about his past
or at least I wasn't able to find much within 5 minutes of Google searching
so for my followers who asked for this story:
I apologize
for not being able to butcher this tale any further.
I mean supposedly he lived a life surrounded by money and hot people of his preferred gender(s)
With his Pokemon by his side
I wouldn't know
My family history is pretty much FARMER FARMER FARMER oh wait here's a tailor or a woodcutter or another definitely-not-royalty-or-nobility for roughly 800 generations
mostly unrecorded BUT ALSO MOSTLY BORING
Eating copious amounts of cabbage and fish and generally not messing with anyone's shit
unlike this guy AS WE SHALL SOON SEE
so enough about me
Let's talk about why monarchies suck
That guy loved that Pokemon
probably enough to marry it
(we have another myth about that
I just never posted it on this blog
as it is literally just "PEOPLE USED TO MARRY POKEMON" with no fun stories)
anyway
SO THERE WAS A WAR
IDK why this war even started or how
I didn't grow up with this story
and Google only returned like, five versions of this story that were *not* in Kalosian
two of which were slightly different editions of the same version
written by the same dude
once again, I am sorry
do we even know who this chump went to war with?
no, we do not
or at least I don't I hope someone has the answer somewhere
so his Pokemon dies in the war
PEOPLE AND POKEMON DIE IN WARS: NEWS AT 11
also predictably enough, the king is filled with tears of rage and royal bitterness
so instead of handling his grief and accountability he decides to blame everyone else
and plots their demise
as he also gets to working on a weird lost technology machine
to bring the Pokemon back to life
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KALOS?
okay actually wait no don't answer that
because if I recall correctly the guy who made Poke the Poffin
is also Kalosian
so there's probably something in the water or something
only instead of baking delicious cookies made of enslaved grannies and weeping children
this guy made a giant crystal deathray that may or may not have been powered by an imprisoned other-Pokemon
which was also the same machine as the life machine
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK, KALOS?
okay
before we continue
ONE
how the crap do you turn a resurrection/immortality ray into a death ray
are the two not mutually incompatible
TWO
did this guy ever stop to think
that he's a king
he has at least 3000 other people and Pokemon he can basically consider disposable
for the purpose of war
and yet he still sends his Pokemon out to fight
YES HELLO
I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS AND I AM AT LEAST MOST OF THEM
but NOPE gotta shift the blame to whoever he's at war with I guess
so anyway he powers up that bad boy and kills a bunch of Pokemon with it
I guess a bunch of humans died too
but who cares
well apparently the Pokemon cares?
it calls him out on it AS WE SHALL SEE
but at least the war was over
mostly because everyone who could fight it was too dead to fight
he then powers up the life/death ray that is filled with all the delicious life juices stolen from every dead thing
and one
he uses it bring the Pokemon he may or may not have married back to life
two
he and the Pokemon have now gained +1 IMMORTALITY
I'm not sure if that was intentional or just fallout
I hope it was the latter
because why would you want to be immortal?
you'd just get trapped under a rock at some point and then go mad with loneliness and lack of mental stimulation
and by the time the rock erodes or someone moves it
your senses are too deadened and you've gone too wild to derive joy
from like, ANYTHING
SO NICE JOB BREAKING IT AGAIN, KING OF FAILURE
SERIOUSLY THIS GUY CAN'T DO *ANYTHING* RIGHT
so the Pokemon is all "what the FUCK dude"
"was it worth it"
"was killing literally EVERYTHING within a fuck-knows-how-wide radius worth it"
"hundreds of thousands of people are dead, trainer"
"screw this I'm outta here"
except presumably not like that
Pokemon can't talk
(can they?)
and then it bounced
which is probably a good thing
because a king who kills absolutely EVERYTHING in grief is probably the winner of the title for WORST KING EVER
and that's it
that is literally the extent of the story I know
I have no idea what happened after that
they could be some immortal hobo wandering around
scaring the pants off the local populace
for all I know
so
I guess the moral of this story is
death rays are not useful for ANYTHING
except obviously killing a lot of stuff in a short amount of time
(dunno why you'd want to do that unless you just hated everything)
and possibly increasing your cool and/or sexy points
but if you're looking for answers to your life's problems
a good therapist is expensive
but at least it's cheaper and less tragic than a literal deathlaser
should have really just learned to crochet (DPPt)
I didn't have to do any searching this time
because I learned it when I was FIVE YEARS OLD
terrorizing other small children
drinking from those cheap unsatisfying juice boxes and playing Mario Kart
so basically not much changed
I just couldn't read back then
any other Sinnoh buttholes on this blog better get ready
get your panties in a twist for this one
SINNOH BUTTHOLES REPRESENT
so back in the day
people were just hitting rocks together and going BLUH BLUH
that was the height of technological development
this one guy
gets
wait for it
let's drumroll too ba-dum-tsh
A SWORD
A REALLY FREAKING SWEET SWORD
naturally, he does what every human being with a pulse does
when they get their hands on a weapon
which is GO ON A MASSIVE KILLING SPREE
because he is young and knows not the consequences of his actions
also
there were no video games or anything to sate the urge back then.
now let me be clear here
I am all for killing things to eat them
because eating things is great
and no one wants to be stuck on eating celery or some shit for the rest of their days
this guy, however
WELL.
You know when you go to a buffet and there's a sign that says
"take all you want, but eat all you take"?
THIS JERK
does not eat all he takes
he doesn't even take home his leftover kills in those paper boxes
(or occasionally, plastic or styrofoam, but I DIGRESS)
to share with the rest of his family
(does he even have a family?)
SO EVENTUALLY THE WEIGHT OF THIS MAN'S CONSEQUENCES
COMES CRUSHING DOWN LIKE A FUCKING SNORLAX OR SOMETHING
EXCEPT WAIT
THERE ARE NO MORE POKEMON
IT'S JUST A CONSPICUOUSLY SNORLAX-SHAPED ROCK
THAT BURSTS INTO CONSEQUENCES WHEN IT MAKES CONTACT WITH HIS SKULL
IT IS A LITERAL CONSEQUENCE GEODE
except instead of crystal it's slow starvation during the winter
because refrigeration and reliable means of preserving and importing food
have not been invented yet
and some fuck in your tribe thought it was a GREAT idea to just kill everything.
So Killy McMurder's just wandering the wilderness now
walking around aimlessly and slowly starving to death
when out of the tall grass her hears a suspicious rustling
actually, all rustling would be suspicious
I mean he did just kill a whole lot of living things
and out from the rustling grass
appears
A POKEMON
I was never told what kind of Pokemon it was
So I'm just going to assume it was a Bidoof
Because let's just be honest, fellow Sinnoh buttholes
When is it ever not a Bidoof?
Guy asks Bidoof where all the totally sweet and killable Pokemon went
Bidoof's like "aw man you come into MY house, you stab MY entire clan to death"
"now listen here you murderous jerkwad"
"if you ever use a weapon against us"
"EVER"
"we will wreak murderous havoc on you and everyone you love"
and dude's like
"well shit"
"I guess I better find a new hobby"
so that's why nobody runs around with swords anymore
and I guess the moral of the story is
if a Pokemon talks to you
first check if you ingested anything funny
then
if you didn't
you should probably listen to its advice.
ALSO
don't kill things indiscriminately
it doesn't even matter if you have a totally sweet sword
just don't
you will eventually run out of things to kill and die.