OKAY KIDS so today's story is about the king who fucked everyone up And the Pokemon who loved him up until that point Not much is known about his past or at least I wasn't able to find much within 5 minutes of Google searching so for my followers who asked for this story: I apologize for not being able to butcher this tale any further. I mean supposedly he lived a life surrounded by money and hot people of his preferred gender(s) With his Pokemon by his side
I wouldn't know My family history is pretty much FARMER FARMER FARMER oh wait here's a tailor or a woodcutter or another definitely-not-royalty-or-nobility for roughly 800 generations mostly unrecorded BUT ALSO MOSTLY BORING Eating copious amounts of cabbage and fish and generally not messing with anyone's shit unlike this guy AS WE SHALL SOON SEE so enough about me Let's talk about why monarchies suck
That guy loved that Pokemon probably enough to marry it (we have another myth about that I just never posted it on this blog as it is literally just "PEOPLE USED TO MARRY POKEMON" with no fun stories) anyway
SO THERE WAS A WAR IDK why this war even started or how I didn't grow up with this story and Google only returned like, five versions of this story that were *not* in Kalosian two of which were slightly different editions of the same version written by the same dude once again, I am sorry do we even know who this chump went to war with? no, we do not or at least I don't I hope someone has the answer somewhere so his Pokemon dies in the war PEOPLE AND POKEMON DIE IN WARS: NEWS AT 11
also predictably enough, the king is filled with tears of rage and royal bitterness so instead of handling his grief and accountability he decides to blame everyone else and plots their demise as he also gets to working on a weird lost technology machine to bring the Pokemon back to life WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KALOS? okay actually wait no don't answer that because if I recall correctly the guy who made Poke the Poffin is also Kalosian so there's probably something in the water or something only instead of baking delicious cookies made of enslaved grannies and weeping children this guy made a giant crystal deathray that may or may not have been powered by an imprisoned other-Pokemon which was also the same machine as the life machine WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK, KALOS?
okay before we continue ONE how the crap do you turn a resurrection/immortality ray into a death ray are the two not mutually incompatible TWO did this guy ever stop to think that he's a king he has at least 3000 other people and Pokemon he can basically consider disposable for the purpose of war and yet he still sends his Pokemon out to fight YES HELLO I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS AND I AM AT LEAST MOST OF THEM but NOPE gotta shift the blame to whoever he's at war with I guess so anyway he powers up that bad boy and kills a bunch of Pokemon with it I guess a bunch of humans died too but who cares well apparently the Pokemon cares? it calls him out on it AS WE SHALL SEE but at least the war was over mostly because everyone who could fight it was too dead to fight
he then powers up the life/death ray that is filled with all the delicious life juices stolen from every dead thing and one he uses it bring the Pokemon he may or may not have married back to life two he and the Pokemon have now gained +1 IMMORTALITY I'm not sure if that was intentional or just fallout I hope it was the latter because why would you want to be immortal? you'd just get trapped under a rock at some point and then go mad with loneliness and lack of mental stimulation and by the time the rock erodes or someone moves it your senses are too deadened and you've gone too wild to derive joy from like, ANYTHING SO NICE JOB BREAKING IT AGAIN, KING OF FAILURE SERIOUSLY THIS GUY CAN'T DO *ANYTHING* RIGHT
so the Pokemon is all "what the FUCK dude" "was it worth it" "was killing literally EVERYTHING within a fuck-knows-how-wide radius worth it" "hundreds of thousands of people are dead, trainer" "screw this I'm outta here" except presumably not like that Pokemon can't talk (can they?) and then it bounced which is probably a good thing because a king who kills absolutely EVERYTHING in grief is probably the winner of the title for WORST KING EVER and that's it that is literally the extent of the story I know I have no idea what happened after that they could be some immortal hobo wandering around scaring the pants off the local populace for all I know
so I guess the moral of this story is death rays are not useful for ANYTHING except obviously killing a lot of stuff in a short amount of time (dunno why you'd want to do that unless you just hated everything) and possibly increasing your cool and/or sexy points but if you're looking for answers to your life's problems a good therapist is expensive but at least it's cheaper and less tragic than a literal deathlaser
Kalosian man discovers immortality with this one weird tip! (XY)
And the Pokemon who loved him up until that point
Not much is known about his past
or at least I wasn't able to find much within 5 minutes of Google searching
so for my followers who asked for this story:
I apologize
for not being able to butcher this tale any further.
I mean supposedly he lived a life surrounded by money and hot people of his preferred gender(s)
With his Pokemon by his side
I wouldn't know
My family history is pretty much FARMER FARMER FARMER oh wait here's a tailor or a woodcutter or another definitely-not-royalty-or-nobility for roughly 800 generations
mostly unrecorded BUT ALSO MOSTLY BORING
Eating copious amounts of cabbage and fish and generally not messing with anyone's shit
unlike this guy AS WE SHALL SOON SEE
so enough about me
Let's talk about why monarchies suck
That guy loved that Pokemon
probably enough to marry it
(we have another myth about that
I just never posted it on this blog
as it is literally just "PEOPLE USED TO MARRY POKEMON" with no fun stories)
anyway
SO THERE WAS A WAR
IDK why this war even started or how
I didn't grow up with this story
and Google only returned like, five versions of this story that were *not* in Kalosian
two of which were slightly different editions of the same version
written by the same dude
once again, I am sorry
do we even know who this chump went to war with?
no, we do not
or at least I don't I hope someone has the answer somewhere
so his Pokemon dies in the war
PEOPLE AND POKEMON DIE IN WARS: NEWS AT 11
also predictably enough, the king is filled with tears of rage and royal bitterness
so instead of handling his grief and accountability he decides to blame everyone else
and plots their demise
as he also gets to working on a weird lost technology machine
to bring the Pokemon back to life
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KALOS?
okay actually wait no don't answer that
because if I recall correctly the guy who made Poke the Poffin
is also Kalosian
so there's probably something in the water or something
only instead of baking delicious cookies made of enslaved grannies and weeping children
this guy made a giant crystal deathray that may or may not have been powered by an imprisoned other-Pokemon
which was also the same machine as the life machine
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK, KALOS?
okay
before we continue
ONE
how the crap do you turn a resurrection/immortality ray into a death ray
are the two not mutually incompatible
TWO
did this guy ever stop to think
that he's a king
he has at least 3000 other people and Pokemon he can basically consider disposable
for the purpose of war
and yet he still sends his Pokemon out to fight
YES HELLO
I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS AND I AM AT LEAST MOST OF THEM
but NOPE gotta shift the blame to whoever he's at war with I guess
so anyway he powers up that bad boy and kills a bunch of Pokemon with it
I guess a bunch of humans died too
but who cares
well apparently the Pokemon cares?
it calls him out on it AS WE SHALL SEE
but at least the war was over
mostly because everyone who could fight it was too dead to fight
he then powers up the life/death ray that is filled with all the delicious life juices stolen from every dead thing
and one
he uses it bring the Pokemon he may or may not have married back to life
two
he and the Pokemon have now gained +1 IMMORTALITY
I'm not sure if that was intentional or just fallout
I hope it was the latter
because why would you want to be immortal?
you'd just get trapped under a rock at some point and then go mad with loneliness and lack of mental stimulation
and by the time the rock erodes or someone moves it
your senses are too deadened and you've gone too wild to derive joy
from like, ANYTHING
SO NICE JOB BREAKING IT AGAIN, KING OF FAILURE
SERIOUSLY THIS GUY CAN'T DO *ANYTHING* RIGHT
so the Pokemon is all "what the FUCK dude"
"was it worth it"
"was killing literally EVERYTHING within a fuck-knows-how-wide radius worth it"
"hundreds of thousands of people are dead, trainer"
"screw this I'm outta here"
except presumably not like that
Pokemon can't talk
(can they?)
and then it bounced
which is probably a good thing
because a king who kills absolutely EVERYTHING in grief is probably the winner of the title for WORST KING EVER
and that's it
that is literally the extent of the story I know
I have no idea what happened after that
they could be some immortal hobo wandering around
scaring the pants off the local populace
for all I know
so
I guess the moral of this story is
death rays are not useful for ANYTHING
except obviously killing a lot of stuff in a short amount of time
(dunno why you'd want to do that unless you just hated everything)
and possibly increasing your cool and/or sexy points
but if you're looking for answers to your life's problems
a good therapist is expensive
but at least it's cheaper and less tragic than a literal deathlaser